I can feel, I am real.
by StOnE CoLd SaRaH
Summary: Stephanie and her thoughts on life. R for dark subject material/suicide. She thinks about all her men in her life. Thats it. Please Read! And don't forget to respond!! I need friends!


Ya know... is it not considered Kool-Aid drinking if I have Rhyno in the story too? I hope not. *glares at Tracy and her follows* This is very, very, VERY angsty/depressed kinda story. Which is weird because I was in a good mood when I wrote it. Nothing lasts forever, to borrow a U2 lyric. Speaking of borrowing, I love Jennifer Lopez. I love her song. So I'm borrowing it. I'm making no moneyz or bling-blings so please don't sue. I have no money to begin with anyway. Also the characters are all own by Vince Mac Daddy and his lawyer peeps. Again, I have no money, don't sue. If any, and I mean ANY of you. Ever Eveeeeer feel like the Stephanie in my story, please. Talk to someone. Anyone. Hell, I'll even listen. I have few friends anyway. I'd listen. That's all. I'm dedicating this to C.A.G. Chica that was lost way to soon.   
  
  
Title: I can feel, I am real.   
  
Author: StOnE CoLd SaRaH (that bitch)  
  
Rating: R for dark thoughts and actions. Also 'R' for Really bad dancing (which is what I do when I hear this song...)  
  
Summary: Just read it. I can't explain it that much with out giving away stuff.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Jennifer Lopez or Ja-Rule (he's a cutie... I wouldn't mind having him) and all WWF/ECW/WCW people are owned by Mr. Vince McMahon. I own no one. Not even my mind, the muses and voices own that.   
  
Shout Outs: I hate you Tracy. This is all your fault. I hope you enjoy it. *sighs and goes off to read slash to make herself feel better*  
  
  
  
~*~*~*~I've met so many men and   
It's like they're all the same  
My appetite for lovin'   
Is now my hunger pain  
And when I'm feeling sexy  
Whose going comfort me?  
My only problem is their insecurity....~*~*~*~  
  
  
  
You'd think being the billion dollar princess would have it's perks and stuff. Nope. The old saying is true, it's very lonely at the top. I've pushed so many people away during my life. My biggest regrets are, most definitely, my five guys. Shane, Test, Rhyno, Jericho, and RVD. Test was my first failure. At first I just someone I used to get my family mad at me. You know being involved with wrestling all my life, Daddy Dearest didn't want his princess to end up with a wrestler. He wanted me too, 'do better'. So, I grabbed a tall, muscular, extremely pleasing on the eyes, Canadian. He followed me around like a lost little puppy. I thought it was cute. Soon I found out he is a very smart, beautiful person. Just a little unsure of himself. Then I dropped him like a sake of potatoes. I was completely aware of what I was doing. I just wanted more power. Now looking back, I'm very sorry about what I did. At the time it seemed to be a good idea.   
  
  
Next is Shane. Shane, I've always treated like a piece of crap, even though I love him like the brother he is. He's also done the same to me. Our family isn't exactly the most Brady Bunch like in the world. We had a pampered childhood and for awhile, it was just me, him, and our Nanny. Since he was the first-born son, he could do anything he wanted. And since I was the pampered princess, I couldn't even go outside after dark to play with my puppy. Because it was dark and people could steal me away. But Shane on the other hand, could take a ferry, go to New York, and come home at 3 am pissed drunk, and they would all say that he was 'experiencing things'. I've broken his heart and he's broken my spirit, time and time again. But, no matter what, we end up forgiving each other. He's the only family I have ever trusted, and I like to believe I'm his. Right now, him and Paul are plotting without me. They don't think I can handle being the owner of EC Fuckin' W. I can be just as extreme and hardcore as the rest of them. I just tend not to show it. Also, Shane's still a little mad at me right now, since I beat The Rock on RAW in a handicap match, and he and Booker T couldn't do it at Unforgiven. He's not so much mad at me. as he is with himself. But he can't blame himself of course. That's all right, it'll all blow over, soon.  
  
  
My last failure is Rhyno. I, pure and simple, used him for my advantage. I realized he liked me deeply and I used him for it. Now, he liked me in a different way then others have. He doesn't like me because I'm Miss ECW owner. No, for some really weird ass reason, he likes me for me. Scary, huh? I used Rhyno and then when he wasn't winning anymore against Jericho, I picked RVD, but more about those two later. Rhyno put it upon himself to be my protector, when no one else would. It's rather sweet and I must admit the thought of him protecting me and being all sweaty and grunting, is definitely not a bad thing. Besides all the grunting he is a really nice person and I did learn a lot from him. I met more my wrestlers after hours. Obviously, I have 'met' them, but it was kind of like 'I'm the boss, You had better obey me.' But Rhyno went out to bars and stuff with me and I found out what they are really like. Buh-Buh and D-von are really racists, and it's really funny. Raven, the king of depression, has a sense of humor. Tommy Dreamer is like their non-parental father. Tazz has a soft side. And then there's Rob Van Dam.  
  
  
He's my next man. Sigh. At first, I though he was just kissing my ass cuz I'm the owner of his company and thus his paychecks. But he's not like that. He's just an easy going kinda guy, and really likes me. He's cocky and very sure of himself. Kind of like an American surfer Jericho. He has many characteristics of Jericho, yet he's his own person. Rob once bought me a box of flowers and candy, because he knew some mean little comment of Jericho's hurt me more then I let on. He was the only one to realize it and instead of making fun of me for it, tried to make me feel better. For all those 'airs' he seems to put up, Rob is a caring person. I'd liked to be able to have played with him for a bit more, but I'll settle for what I've done thus far.   
  
  
And finally Chris Jericho. Jericho is like that annoying kid when you were in first grade who would bug you and call you names and all those juvenile things. And you just thought him as an annoying brat. Until some older person pointed out to you that some boys are like that. That's how some boys show that they like a girl. I never really had an older person telling me this though. Somedays, I was just as bad as that little boy, conveniently named Christopher Jericho, and I would go out of my way to find him in a crowd and try to abuse him. Rarely did I ever succeed. Normally he'd take my abuse and turn it around and shoot it right back at me, ten times worst. But, I still loved him. Even when he would call me a slut and all those other names. Somedays I'd watch him in matches (when no one was looking, of course) and I'd just love to look at him. He has the body of a Greek God. His abs are so perfect and his behind...Woah! And his eyes....his eyes.... you could get lost in those mini blue oceans. But besides his beautiful body, his mind is just as great. He used to have the largest ego in the world (Rob seems to be in the running for that now) but, now people know better. That's not his ego (*that* much anyway) that's his wit and (sometimes) charm. Not only that, but he's fun to be around. Or so I've heard. I heard stories from Rhyno what Jericho, Edge, and Christian used to do back in their day. All the practical jokes, or trips to the bar to spurt psychological thoughts after drinking enough to kill a small Irishman, all of those had Jericho leading the group of merriment. If Jericho ever came to the Alliance (God willing) I think him and Rob would fight to see who the leader really is. Kind of like what's happening now, on both sides. Stone Cold says he's the leader, but the guys would quicker go to Rob then him. Because Rob wouldn't beat the shit out of them, and cuz he also listens to them. And Angle thinks he's the leader, but it's been Jericho whose has been working hard at keeping everyone together. He's been trying to stop Christian from joining our side and he's stop Benoit from wrestling to early and more likely setting himself back even further (Poor Benoit) And then the whole Lita vs. Matt that leads to vs. Jeff thing. That little fight hurts my head if I think about it to long. Mostly, Jericho has been doing a lot to make sure the WWF doesn't show any signs of weakness. Angle and Austin are leaders by name only. Chris and Rob are leaders by example and compassion towards their fellow wrestlers. Something Angle and Austin know nothing about.   
  
  
And I've failed each and everyone of these poor men at one point in my relatively short life. I can't take it anymore. I feel so bad. I've gotten them all hurt either mentally or physically. All because of me. I've failed them. I'm a failure. I've thought about this long and hard. That's why I've written this. That's why I took those extra painkillers, to see if they really do stop all your pain. So this is really my last goodbye. I said goodbye to all of you tonight. Jericho did a double take when I said it, but it felt right. I love you all, and since I do, I'm ending this pitiful life of mine so that all of your lives can be better.   
  
  
Love,  
Forever and a Day,  
Stephanie McMahon 


End file.
